Spencer Reid's thoughts
by lovedrreid
Summary: Reid's thoughts and flashbacks about Tobias. present: elephants memory. No slash like in all my fics. about cravings since kid killed in 3rd life. inspired by song: hurt by Johnny cash. song at the end of elephants memory R&R Plz!


INSPIRED BY THE VIDEO ON YOUTUBE: EVOLUTION OF REID PART 2 (FIND ON PROFILE SOON) FEATURING THE SONGS: SAVIN' ME BY NICKELBACK/ FIX YOU BY COLDPLAY AND THE VIDEO DR. SPENCER REID FANVID--HURT. (ALSO SOON TO BE FOUND ON PROFILE)

THIS IS SORT OF IN SEASON THREE NEAR THE TIME OF ELEPHANT'S MEMORY/ 3RD LIFE. ABOUT HOW REID FEELS ABOUT HIS CRAVINGS. TOLD IN 1ST PERSON (REID IS NARRATOR) I'M GOING TO STOP BLABBERING AND LET YOU 'REID'. ENJOY.

Hurt (Johnny Cash):

(flashback)

'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole.'

I walked into the BAU today. The team, my family, was staring at me. Probably because I didn't take the time to brush my hair or get in the shower. And plus the fact that I looked like hell didn't help either. Last week, I was tortured for two days, and drugged, until the team found me. Too late to save Tobias, I had to though. If not, he would have killed me. I decided to take the vials from his corpse, then I'd be done, just to help me forget for the next couple weeks.

I sit at my desk and the eyes on me dispersed as soon as JJ, the media liaison, told us all to meet in the round table room in five minutes. We all gathered, except for me. I stayed behind to get more coffee to shake off the high that I experienced this morning. I hope they don't notice something's off. Last thing I want is to have to cheat another phsycological evaluation, but I don't think my own family would do that to me. At least I think.

As I walk in late, I get suspicous glances and the briefing stopped. I sit down and the briefing resumes. I would get quick glances every once in a while, but I try to pretend I am focusing, when the only thing I am focused on is my next fix as close as opening one zipper. But I still care about doing my job. The two needs collide and stop each other, so I have to bend my schedule and lie.

(present)

'the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything'

We just finished a horrible case. The UnSub happened to be a teenager. He kidnapped two other teens and killed one after raping her. The other was saved, right before she was raped. Her father found her, and the UnSub. I got there with the rest of the team on the way trying to talk the father out of shooting him, but it didn't work. The two were put under the witness protection program for the second time. For some reason, I can't forget the kid, like it was somehow my fault that I couldn't save him.

'Hello, my name is Spencer...' I say to the large crowd paying full attention to me. I get hellos. 'This is my first meeting'. Gawd, of course it's my first meeting. Way to say the obvious Reid! I surprisingly get comforting welcomes. 'I guess... well I know I had a problem with Dilaudid... but I stopped'. I get sympathetic nods from many members of the crowd. 'About ten months now... but recently I've been, your literary uses the term craving.' I hope they can't notice my nervousness. 'For a month now... a uh suspect was murdered in front of me... and that kid's face is really... really stuck in my brain... ' Damn phone. 'I'm sorry... I really have to go.' I start walking out the doors.

'Spencer...' A man calls my name but I really have to go.

'Sorry, I just really have to go.'

'Got places to go... people to profile.' Now I have to turn around. Who would know I'm a profiler. I turn around and meet the middle aged man's gaze. 'You know who I am.'

'Of course sir. I just didn't expect to see a man... In your position... here.'

'You know there's no sirs here, it's just John. And this is something we don't talk about here. Especially in our offices.'

'I really need to go.' God, if this man doesn't let me go, Hotch is going to have my head for being this late.

'Here take this.' He pulls out a small coin. 'It's my one year medallion. Took me six years to get it. For the past 13, I've never left my home without it because I know if I don't, I'll lose my home, credentials, everything. Hold on to it for me.'

'This is your most prized posession... you're just giving it to me?' I know I'm seriously going to be late now. And why is he talking to me now. I mean we work in the same building. Why now?

'No, when you get your year, you can give it back to me.'

'But I only have ten months.'

'I know.' John starts to walk away.

'I really don't understand.' He turns around.

'You will.' He walks back inside. I can't try to talk to him now. I really have to go. We've got a job to do.

We are trying to profile Owen Savvage. He is the UnSub, but seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth, besides the new murders of three boys and the video of it on his computer. I identify with Owen so much. I'm getting irritated, mostly because of the irrational cravings. I think the team notices, but I hope they don't think I'm actually using again. I'd never go through that again.

(flashback)

'What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.'

It's cold and dark. I'm barefoot in Marshall Cemetary literally digging my own grave at the mercy of Tobias Hankel's alter persona, Raphael. I've given my team hints as to where I am. I hope they can find me in time, before I'm buried alive. I see flashlights and I'm suddenly relieved. Raphael turns around and I dive for the revolver with only one bullet.

'There's only one bullet in that gun boy.' He tries to stab me, but the bullet comes out of its chamber with a loud bang. I shot him in the heart, out of all places. I crawl to him.

'Tobias, I'm sorry.' His eyes start to go blank with only a few words left to say.

'Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?' Those words pierce me and I go into a haze, but I'm soon knocked out of it when I'm lifted to my feet by Hotch and Gideon. They ask me if I'm alright. In no way am I alright, but I have to say something.

'I knew you'd understand.' And I hug Hotch, then turn to JJ, who apologizes for splitting up, even though I was the one who left her.

'It's alright, it wasn't your fault.' I give her a hug too, and I start to stumble, but Hotch and Gideon grab me once again. 'Hold on... I need a minute.' I tell them in a faint mumble, but they seem to have heard me because they let me go and hesitantly walk off. I kneel next to the corpse and take the two vials of Dilaudid, and innocently stand up and slyly put them in my right pocket and walk off.

(present)

'I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair'

I am being irritated at the way Owen was treated at school. Hotch and I talked to the school counselor, and well, it didn't go too well. I dropped the transcripts on the floor and walked out angrily. And the profile. I told the police they're lucky Owen hadn't killed as many people giving the conditions. Hotch pulls me aside and talks to me and sends me to help Morgan go through the Savvage house. I leave angrily.

At the Savvage house, Morgan tells me I'm not the only one that identifies with Owen. He was 5'3" freshman year and he got beat up everyday. Then, in the summer, he started lifting weights and he grew. He explains to me it's about survival, not vanity. I open up, and tell him what happened to me after Harper Hillman tells me to meet Alexa Lisban on the football field. I tell him I went and she was there too, but so was the entire football team. 'They stripped me naked and tied me to the goalpost... everybody was there just watching, I asked them to help, but noone did. It was midnight when I got home, but my mom was having one of her episodes, so she didn't notice.

'And you didn't tell her what happened.' Morgan seemed to be getting emotional at what I was telling him.

'I didn't tell anyone... I thought it was one of those things that if I didn't talk about, I'd forget... but I remember it was like it was yesterday.' I tilt my head down so my hair covers my eyes so that he can't see the tears in my eyes ready to fall over.

'Reid, you don't need an eidetic memory for that. We all forget half of what they teach us in school, but when it comes down to the torture and humiliation, we all have an elephant's memory.' Morgan said close to tears also. I immediatly change the subject to Owen.

'If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way.'

We are on the jet. We peacefully brought in Owen, although I did block my teammates fire to talk him into putting the gun down. I sat at the back of the jet, knowing Hotch was going to talk to me.

'You knowingly jeopardized your life in the lives of others... I should fire you.' Oh no, he is going to fire me. 'You're the smartest person in the room but you're not the only one in that room. If you try something like that again and you will be. Am I clear?' Thank god he didn't fire me.

'Yes sir. Thank you.' I feel relieved now, but I just want to be left alone for a while.

'What were you thinking?'

'I was thinking that would've been the second time a kid was killed in front of me.' My thoughts automatically go to Tobias, he was like a kid. Though he was hiding a narcotic drug from his father, he was still afraid of getting caught with it. Which reminded me of a kid hiding a candy bar in his room when he wasn't supposed to.

'You're keeping score, just like Owen... I know it's hard when the person you identify most to is the bad guy.'

'What does that make me?' I talk calmly with a hint of happiness on my face. It is confusing being alike with a person in so many ways, but in the biggest conclusion, completely opposite.

'Good at the job.' I do understand what Hotch is saying, yet it's still confusing. He gets up. 'I know it's none of my business, when we land, I think you should catch the rest of that movie.' This is where my skin gets cold. How does he know? I don't think it's necessary to ask him at this point though, the only thing that matters is that I'm doing good on my own, and if I need help, I know who to ask, my team, no, my family.

FIN

A/N: THIS WAS MY FIRST ONESHOT. I HOPE YOU LIKED IT. I KNOW REID'S DRUG ADDICTION AND SEASON 3 WAS A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT I JUST STARTED WATCHING CRIMINAL MINDS LAST FALL, AND I JUST RECENTLY CAUGHT UP ON ALL THE EPISODES. HURRAY. I'M STILL NOT OVER THE FACT OF HIS ADDICTION AND HOW THE TEAM DIDN'T CONFRONT HIM AND VERBALLY SUPPORT HIM. BUT ANYWHO, PLZ REVIEW! 


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